


Whatever Gets You Thru The Night

by casey270



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Dom/sub Undertones, Dubious Consent, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-19
Updated: 2012-01-19
Packaged: 2017-10-29 19:12:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/323190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casey270/pseuds/casey270
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A journey through self-discovery based on <a href="http://glam-kink.livejournal.com/1444.html?thread=1592996#t1592996">this prompt</a> from Glam Kink:<br/>Adam is raped. To his horror, the rapist is very gentle and makes sure he "enjoys it" and makes him come. It messes with Adam's views of his sexuality and suddenly 'vanilla' is the last thing he can stand. Adam and his bf (your choice) try to work through it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whatever Gets You Thru The Night

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be my Lambski Big Bang entry. For some reason it took forever for the epilogue to come together.
> 
> many thanks to my amazing beta on this, [AxuMutunL](http://archiveofourown.org/users/AxuMutunL/pseuds/AxuMutunL) and to my pre-reader [terytrixie](http://terytrixie.livejournal.com/)

 

 

To say that the meeting with the UK publicists isn’t going very well is an understatement of monumental proportions. Adam tries to be as patient as possible, but how the fuck can they say they’re doing their jobs when practically no one has heard of him over here? The team tells him he can’t get television interviews or radio play because the public has no idea who he is, but the public won’t know who he is until he get those interviews and plays.

He’s in a mean mood when he storms out of the meeting. The only good thing about today is that no one recognizes him as he tries to walk off his anger. He really should go back, but he can’t until he gets himself under control.

He pulls out his phone and calls the one person who can always see the positive in any situation. Sauli’s always able to help him find his center when he’s flying in a hundred different directions at once.

Just hearing Sauli’s voice helps calm Adam. He actually smiles when his boyfriend tells him to go out and enjoy the wonders of the amazing city. After all, when the PR team does find its way past this roadblock, Adam won’t be able to just go out and wander around anymore. He can always trust Sauli to see the rainbow instead of the storm clouds. Adam ends the call with a promise that he’ll try to make the most of the heretofore unseen and unappreciated opportunity.

Besides, the streets of London are amazing if you have the time to look. Take the pub he’s passing, for instance. The noise and the bustle appeal to him. It looks like a friendly enough place; people talking, people drinking, people just sitting and thinking.

He’s not exactly smiling when he enters and makes his way to the bar, sliding onto an empty stool, but he’s not frowning either. He orders a drink from the bartender, whatever they have that will help mellow him out.

“Rough day today, eh?” the barkeep asks, setting a glass of something dark and viscous in front of Adam.

“You could say that,” Adam answers, raising the glass and taking a drink. “Rum, huh?” he adds, enjoying the slightly sweet taste. “Don’t usually drink rum, but it’s not bad.”

“Private label stuff right there, son,” the bartender tells him. “You’ll not find that particular blend anywhere else. Care for another?”

Adam looks down, surprised to see that his drink is indeed gone. Fuck, he must be more worked up than he realized. “Might as well,” he tells the bartender. “If this is the only place that serves it, I should enjoy it while I can, right?”

“No law against you coming back to enjoy our house specialty again, is there?” the bartender asks.

“No law, but a busy schedule says no,” Adam replies. “I’m here on business. I don’t think I’ll have much free time before I have to go back home.” Adam swirls the liquid in his glass, staring at it as if it has the answers he needs.

“Didn’t think you sounded like a local. Yank, right?” the bartender asks. “Something about you looks familiar, though; like I’ve seen you about before.”

Adam smiles and says, “You don’t know how happy you made me,” and proceeds to tell the bartender all about his day, the meeting, and why the remark hit him just the right way.

Adam and the bartender - whose name turns out to be Charlie, Adam discovers - talk through two or three more drinks. Adam’s not keeping track. He’s planning on calling for a car when he’s ready to leave, but that won’t be anytime soon. He’s relaxed and enjoying himself for the first time in days.

He does get around to calling his management at some point. He tells them that he’s okay, but not to expect him back at the hotel until late. He tells them that things might not be as hopeless as the PR team made it sound, and he’s currently busy exploring the realness of life.

People come and go around him, and more than just a few recognize him. Charlie starts teasing him about being a celebrity and slumming, but it’s all in fun. Someone starts playing music, and Charlie talks Adam into singing along with it. Everyone’s into it; everyone’s enjoying themselves.

No one notices the quiet man who’s been slowly making his way closer to Adam. No one notices the quiet man taking the bar stool directly behind Adam. No one notices when the quiet man’s foot sticks a little too far out in the walkway.

But everyone notices when the server, who’s carrying a freshly loaded tray of drinks, trips and falls spectacularly. Everyone’s attention is immediately and completely riveted on the noise and mess that results. Adam bends down to offer the girl a hand in getting up, while Charlie goes to the back room to find the mop.

No one sees the man sitting behind Adam reach out and quickly tip something into Adam’s drink. By the time they’re finished helping the server clean up the mess, the stranger has moved to a dark corner, far away from where the accident happened.

When everyone is settled and everything is cleaned, Adam turns back to the bar and picks up his drink. Lifting it in Charlie’s direction, he says, “To realness, Charlie. Always keep it real.”

He must grimace a little when the drink goes down in one gulp, because Charlie looks at him questioningly. “You know you’ve hit your limit when even the good stuff starts tasting wrong,” Adam tells him with a wink.

Adam turns his head to survey the room, maybe changing his focus will help him clear his head a little, because all of a sudden he can feel the effects of every drink he’s had tonight, but the way his vision swirls and dances tells him this might not be a good idea. Charlie notices that something might be amiss, because he reaches out for Adam’s wrist and asks, “Everything okay, Adam? You’ve suddenly gone white as a ghost.”

“Yeah...Umm....” Adam mumbles incoherently, trying to bring his hand up to his face, because, fuck, the temperature in the bar feels like it’s twenty degrees hotter than it was ten minutes ago. He can feel beads of sweat forming on his forehead and over his lip, but he can’t coordinate his movements enough to brush them away. He feels the room pressing in on him in ways he doesn’t understand. The noise and bustle that he found comforting before confuses him now. He can’t make his mind focus, and everything is just too much to take in.

“Just. Need. Some air,” he finally manages to say, but when he tries to stand up and make his way to the door, his knees turn traitor and buckle beneath him. He can see Charlie’s hand reaching out for him, almost as if it’s moving in slow motion, and Adam knows that it’s not going to be enough to keep him from hitting the floor.

But before he falls, before he ends up face down on the same spot the spilled drinks hit not long ago, he feels strong arms encircling him, catching him. He tries to make his mind come back into focus, to make sense of what’s happening, but the more he tries to concentrate, the more things slip away from him.

“Oh, hey there, Adam,” he hears a strange voice saying, “looks like I found you just in time. Come on, lets get you back to your hotel.” His hotel room, and the comforting bed that’s there, sounds like the best idea Adam’s heard all day, but something about what’s happening starts alarm bells ringing in his head. Adam looks back at the man who’s supporting his uncooperative body, but the face he sees sparks no recognition. He tries to focus on the man’s eyes, because he always remembers eyes, but he can’t make his mind come clear enough to process what he’s seeing.

“Sorry for the inconvenience,” he hears the man telling Charlie, “but his management told me not to come back until I found him. He should know better than to drink on an empty stomach. I hope he wasn’t too much of a bother.” So, this stranger is someone management sent to find him? But why wouldn’t they just call him instead? Adam knows he hadn’t been very forthcoming in telling them where he was, but they knew if they told him he had to come back to his hotel he would. Why would they send a stranger to find him without calling first?

Adam’s head is spinning, and the trail of thought spins right along with it until all that’s left is a wispy filament that dissipates into nothing more than a sense of wrongness. He wants a second to himself to find where he needs to be in order to be right again, but time’s turned slippery in his brain.

“No bother at all,” Charlie answers. “We rather enjoyed his company. Hope he’s going to be okay.” Adam wants to tell his new friend that this is _not_ okay, but he can’t find a way to do it. He’s not at the falling-down-drunk, no control over his body state; his legs are still holding him up, even if he’s leaning heavily against this unknown person for support, but he can’t coordinate his desire to communicate into actual words or even gestures.

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” the stranger says, and Adam can hear the smirk in his voice, even if he can’t see it on his face. “Once I get him back to his room, I’ll personally make sure he’s okay.”

The alarms are going off full force in Adam’s head, but he can’t seem to make anyone pay attention to him. He can’t pull away from the stranger, because his body’s not listening to him. He can’t make his mouth say anything that can be understood. Control of the situation is slipping further away from him with each passing second, but there’s nothing he can do about it. He knows this can’t possibly end well.

Adam can’t fight against the man as he’s led to the door. People he’d talked to that night look at him with what they think is a knowing edge. Everyone seems to be willing to think he’s drunk. No one even considers that his fucking life may be in danger. Adam can’t make his mouth form the words to ask for help, and maybe his thoughts are clouding enough to make him question why he thinks he needs help. Everything is hard to hold onto and keep in focus.

When they reach the sidewalk outside, the stranger leans Adam against the wall of the building next door. He starts going through Adam’s pockets, and Adam feels an almost overpowering sense of relief. He can deal with a robbery. A simple robbery sounds pretty damn good to him right now.

But when the man finds his wallet, pulls it out and inspects the contents, only to put it back in Adam’s pocket, cash and cards intact, Adam starts panicking again. He hears the man saying something, and Adam has to focus his concentration to make out the words. “Gotta be a hotel key here somewhere, right? I’ve been following you since you got here, you know. I’ve watched you every minute, practically. I know which hotel you’re staying at, but it would be so much easier to find the key...Oh, wait a minute...Here’s what we need,” the man says as he pulls the key card from Adam’s back pocket. “Now we just need to find a taxi to get us there.”

The stranger shoulders in under Adam’s arm and throws his own arm around Adam’s waist. When Adam’s head lolls into the crook of the stranger’s neck, Adam thinks they must be presenting a very intimate and trusting picture to the world. Even the taxi driver seems to think nothing out of the ordinary is happening as he gives them a knowing smile and asks, “Hard partying tonight, boys? Where to, then?”

The stranger pats the top of Adam’s head, which had slipped lower on the man’s chest when they entered the taxi, and Adam wants nothing more than to pull away, to run as far and as fast as he can to wherever is not here. But he’s immobile, completely at whatever mercy this stranger shows him, and dreading whatever the night might bring.

When the stranger leans down and presses a gentle kiss to Adam’s forehead while giving the driver the name of the hotel and saying, “Yeah, someone didn’t know when to say when, but that’s what vacations are for, right?” Adam feels something he didn’t expect to feel. The racing heart and the internal tremors of terror are still there, but something somewhere inside of him reacts to the tender contact of the man’s lips to his skin. He feels stirrings he doesn’t want to feel, stirrings he would never admit to feeling. His skin and his body are on fire, and he needs the heat of contact to put out the flames before they consume him.

While the taxi makes its way to Adam’s hotel, the stranger occupies himself by letting his lips learn the contours of Adam’s mouth, his neck, his face, anywhere they can reach, really. There’s a tenderness, an almost reverence, in the touch, and it pushes Adam even further into confusion. He can’t put the feelings together with the situation in any way that makes sense.

When the taxi reaches the hotel, the driver winks and tells the stranger, “Well, here we are, gents. Hope you enjoy the rest of your vacation.” The man who holds Adam’s safety, his very life in his hands tells the driver that he’s positive that tonight, at least, will be very enjoyable as he half pushes, half carries Adam out of the cab, to the door and over to the elevators.

As they stand there waiting for the elevator, the man leans Adam against the wall and runs his hand through Adam’s hair, pulling his head back, and whispers into his ear, “You will enjoy tonight, you know. I’ll make sure of it.”

Adam can feel himself trembling as the words brush past his ear. Something about the intimacy of the way this man is treating him seems off kilter, even in this fucked up setting. Adam wants nothing more than to turn back time and recapture the feelings he had when he’d talked to Sauli earlier. He’d felt safe then, protected by Sauli’s positivity.

But right now he’s being supported into the elevator car by a man who his mind keeps telling him should be making him feel anything but protected. The arms that are bracing him feel strong and muscular. The hands that are holding him in place feel large and powerful. All together, it’s making Adam feel not so much helpless as dependent. It might be a fine line between the two, and Adam has no idea as to why the difference seems so important in his mind, but it’s there, and he can’t make it go away.

Adam closes his eyes and tries his best to make himself yell for help as this man, this stranger who has more power over him than he’s ever willingly granted to anyone, runs his hands up and down Adam’s sides and takes a kiss that Adam is unable to refuse giving. The flames inside of Adam flare again, flames that he doesn’t want to wake up. He feels the friction of the hands on his side and the lips that are pressing against his amplified beyond reason, and his dick twitches in response.

When the elevator stops at his floor, Adam swears he feels the jolt of the cables and pulleys working to a halt all through his body. The gentle rumble of the door opening tickles at something deep within, and it takes him by surprise. He’s desperately trying to sort out his feelings and reactions, but the threads of his thoughts just won’t come together. He needs someone to help him fit the pieces together. Oh, dear god, he needs Sauli.

When the door opens wide enough to let them exit, the man supports him down the hall and to his room, all the while running his hands over Adam’s shirt. The warmth and the strength of those hands call to some part of him, some need buried under so many layers of what he’s willing to present to the public that Adam wasn’t even aware of its existence. Each murmured _yes, perfect_ , each quiet word of praise and affirmation as the hands continue to map his body, sends Adam jolts of pleasure that he tries to deny. Adam hears a low moan and is shocked when he realizes that it’s his.

The stranger opens the door and moves Adam across the room to the ridiculously large bed that had seemed like such a welcome resting place before, but now proves to be an inescapable expanse. Small, nipping kisses are being placed all along Adam’s jaw and neck, and he can’t help but arch into them as the stranger lays him out on the silky comforter. He feels as if he’s being posed for an artist’s rendering, and that small, quiet spot in his mind that always craves approval makes itself known. The hands that are running over his skin know just how and where to touch him to make him feel worthy of adoration. He’s helpless in regard to keeping his body from responding to the inherent triggers. Every stimuli is amplified in his mind, and the sensations are overwhelming his thoughts.

Before he slips any further, before he loses total control, he focuses his entire being on calling out to the person at the forefront of his mind. His voice is weak, though, and what comes out is more of a moan than the shout he hopes for, but the name _Sauli_ is clearly unmistakable.

He hears the man above him chuckle as he starts lifting Adam’s tee shirt. He feels lips sucking at the skin of his belly, teasing with pressure and teeth, moving up to his chest and finally biting down on the flesh covering his breastbone. When the mouth reaches the point where the fabric of his shirt blocks its progress, Adam feels it being pulled over his head and arms, and the warm tickle of breath as words are spoken just beside his ear, “If you want Sauli, I can be Sauli for you.”

The words send shivers of dread and excitement down his spine. His mind knows on some level that this is wrong, but he can’t focus enough to see where its wrongness lies. His body is determined to savor everything it feels, and his brain needs a reason to quit fighting his base responses.

Looking down the length of his body when he feels the button of his pants being undone, Adam has trouble sorting out exactly what he’s seeing. The long, curly brown hair of the stranger seems to be superimposed with a color and cut he’s more familiar with, and Adam’s dick jumps in response. When the man looks up at him, Adam sees Sauli’s blue eyes instead of the stranger’s brown. He sees Sauli’s playful smile and not the predatory look he’d seen only moments before. He knows both versions, or visions, or whatever the fuck they are can’t be right, but trying to sort out what is from what isn’t is making him dizzy.

Adam trembles as he feels the stranger, the pseudo Sauli, pull his pants down over his legs and feet. He moans right out loud when he feels hands run up his calves while lips suck up a mark on the inside of his thigh. Something about this just isn’t right, but his brain is getting fuzzier by the second, and everything feels so good. He does manage a token _No_ and a feeble attempt to push someone -- he’s not even sure anymore who it is -- away.

He hears a low voice talking to him from a face that keeps shifting, saying, “Relax, Adam. I’m your Sauli tonight. I promise to make this good for you, if you’re good for me. I want so much to make this good for you.” He feels his arms being pulled up over his head and... tied? taped? cuffed? -- oh, god, he can’t even tell anymore -- to the headboard of the bed, and this isn’t a game he and Sauli have ever played before, and it’s scaring the shit out of him but exciting the hell out of him at the same time.

But the hand and the mouth are back on his skin, skin that feels ready to burn right off his body, and they feel so cool and soothing, but make him feel even hotter. His mind is spinning in circles now, and he’s sure something is wrong, but everything is right when this Sauli kisses him hard and dirty, and he feels a tongue pushing so far into his mouth that he can’t breathe.

When the mouth that is and somehow isn’t Sauli’s leaves his, it moves over his body, tasting, kissing, biting wherever it wants, and Adam responds. The accent-less voice keeps telling him that everything’s okay, everything’s good, and it reassures him over and over that it belongs to Sauli, _his_ Sauli, so Adam should trust him, relax and enjoy the ride. The Sauli voice tells him that it only wants to see his glory, to taste his perfection, and, fuck it all, Adam likes the way it sounds.

Adam can’t argue with what the voice is telling him because he can’t keep his thoughts straight enough to see where it’s right or wrong. He’s at the point where he can only hear what the voice says and believe it. When he feels a hand slap down on the flesh of his belly, and he hears the voice tell him, “You like this, Adam. This excites you,” he has no choice but to accept it as fact and let his body respond to the rough contact. And the response his body has is enough to shock Adam, even in his foggy haze.

He feels shivers of anticipation crawling through his belly. His breath and his pulse quicken. He feels the heat of desire flaring each time the mouth that his mind wants to believe is Sauli’s kisses the skin that’s just been slapped, telling Adam how perfect it is, how soft and yielding while still covering a hidden strength. The muscles of Adam’s belly ripple under his skin as the lips make their teasing way down to the thatch of hair just above his cock. He feels warm breath rush against his skin as the Sauli-man brushes the red-blond curls with the back of his fingers and tells Adam, “Beautiful. So, so beautiful,” just before the hand grabs the hairs and pulls.

The juxtaposition of the reverent touches and words and the actions that are meant to send him into submission keep his mind reeling, his emotions spinning along at a dizzying rate. His body wants to respond. It wants to respond so fucking much. He’s hard and leaking, and he needs, but he’s not exactly sure what it is he needs.

Adam pulls against the restraints that bind his wrists to the bed, and his inability to break free quickens his breath. He feels the man who keeps telling him he’s Sauli deliver a slap to his face and another to his thigh, all the while telling him how beautiful his skin is as it pinks from the blows, and his dick stands at attention. He feels teeth biting the flesh of his chest, almost breaking the skin, then a soft tongue soothing the marks, and he doesn’t think he can hold back the rush of his impending orgasm as he’s told how right, how responsive his body is.

He hears the voice telling him over, and over, and over again that it’s Sauli’s voice. He hears it so much, that his mind starts hearing the words in Sauli’s voice. The tone, the inflection, the accent, everything is Sauli’s. And when he hears Sauli’s voice telling him that he’s going to enjoy this, that he _wants_ to enjoy this, Adam doesn’t question it. He trusts Sauli.

He lets his body go then: he lets himself enjoy this forbidden game. If Sauli’s here, it has to be okay. The hands that his clouded mind tells him are Sauli’s caress his body, worshiping every angle and curve. He lets himself feel pleasure in the restraints that tie him up and tie him down, and Sauli keeps telling him that it’s good, it’s right. He quits fighting the interest his dick wants to show whenever Sauli’s hand lands on another part of his skin, leaving a fiery print of itself behind. He doesn’t object when he feels the hands closing around his throat, cutting off his air, because this Sauli tells him he’s really going to enjoy this, and fuck it all, he does as tonight’s Sauli brings him closer to the edge before backing him away again.

He hears the voice, the voice that’s Sauli’s but not Sauli’s, telling him how beautiful he is, how amazing he is, how perfect he is, and it feeds something inside of him, something that’s very hungry. He feels the hands run down his chest as Sauli’s voice tells him that he can feel the power there, the strength and the drive and the desire, and Adam’s panting with a need and a heat so strong he feels like he’s going to spontaneously ignite.

It goes on, and it goes on, and it goes on until Adam’s mind is nothing more than a receptacle for the growing sensations he’s feeling. He can’t think beyond his need, doesn’t want to think beyond his need. He knows there’s something he should be seeing in this, something he needs to know, but right now he only wants to feel. His skin is burning with its own need to be touched, to feel stimulated, and this Sauli is doing everything he can to touch every part of Adam.

Adam lives in the kisses, in the touches, in the words telling him how good he’s being -- how good he _is_. His world is narrowed down to this one room, this one moment, this one bed, and his mind lets him believe he’s sharing it with Sauli.

He hears the voice he wants to be Sauli’s voice telling him how much it wants him, wants everything about him, because it’s all good, all perfect. He feels the mouth that he wants to be Sauli’s leaving a trail up and down his body as it touches each and every inch while whispering words of praise. He feels the hands that are too big to be Sauli’s hands caressing, stroking, worshiping his heated, overly sensitized body, and something inside, something confused and confusing, wants this night to go on and on.

Adam falls into sensory overload then. He knows the night continues. He knows his body responds. he knows things are done to him and for him, but the details fade into nothing more than letting his body go, giving in to his needs.

Sometime later, close to dawn he thinks because he knows he’s dozed, he’s just not sure for how long, Adam starts coming back to himself as he feels the warmth of blankets being pulled up and over him. His hands had been untied sometime during the night, the memory of it fuzzy and blurred but still there. He still can’t force his mind into sharp focus, but he’s aware enough now to recognize that something isn’t right. It’s not exactly the comforting face of Sauli he sees bending down to kiss his forehead, not the right size to be Sauli’s hands that stroke his cheek, and certainly not the accent he’s used to hearing in Sauli’s voice that tells him, “See, I told you that you’d enjoy it.”

Adam turns his head as far away from this confusion as he can, practically burying it in the softness of the pillow, unwilling to watch this person walk out of the room. A little more sleep will clear his head, he thinks. So many images pass through Adam’s mind then, too many to sort out or make sense of, but what amazes him is that this man who’s leaving, this man who took him apart and made him realize hidden truths about himself, this man who convinced Adam’s confused mind to accept him as Sauli, is still a mystery to Adam.

When he hears the door close, with nothing but silence following it, Adam feels all the questions, all the emotions finally break over him. The tears start first, followed by tremors that run through his whole body. Did this really happen, or was it a dream or nightmare? It’s too much for him to take at once, too much for his overworked mind that’s still not functioning as well as he thinks it should be. He can’t deal with all of it, so he retreats from everything. He closes his eyes and escapes into the nothingness of sleep.

 

♦ ♥ ♦

 

Adam sleeps through the morning, sleeps through his phone ringing, sleeps as long as his body will let him. Finally, the tickling at the back of his mind won’t let him sleep any longer. He thinks something happened last night, but he can’t figure out what it is. He lays there, halfway between sleep and wakefulness, floating through the last vestiges of his dreams.

When he does wake completely, his head feels like someone took a hammer to it. He’s never had a hangover like this before. He tries to gather his thoughts, because everything is fuzzy and foggy. He thinks back to last night and gets as far as a tray of drinks crashing to the floor right in front of him, but then it all turns into a kaleidoscope of colors and images and sensations, and he doesn’t know which ones he can trust to be true.

His mind keeps showing him pictures of himself and Sauli, pleasuring each other in ways they’ve never explored, which would normally be welcome, but he’s pretty sure Sauli didn’t fly in last night, only to leave before Adam woke up. Trying to sort everything out while his head continues to pound only makes things worse, so he decides to take a shower. A long, hot shower should take away some of the fog that refuses to release his thoughts.

As he pads his way to the bathroom, visions continue to flash through his mind. He sees things that he knows can’t be real, and he’s almost got himself convinced that it’s all some particularly vivid dream. But when he passes the mirror in the bathroom he has no choice but to stop and stare. The marks are faint but still there. His wrists catch his attention fist, the pale, delicate skin holding the redness longer than anywhere else. Holding his hands up to eye level, Adam examines them closely, having no option but to admit that they look like typical abrasions left over from wearing restraints. As soon as his mind settles on that realization, he sees more pictures flash through his mind, blurred and sepia toned, but coming clearer all the time.

There are other marks, too; places where the blood was sucked up to just below the skin, fading hand prints where he’s softest, and even a few spots that looked like bites that hadn’t broken the skin. Altogether, it paints a picture of a wild night, one he would be able to appreciate if Sauli had been with him. The part that still confuses him, the part that his mind can’t get past, is that he can remember Sauli being with him. He can see vague images of Sauli doing things with him, and, more to the point, to him. He remembers an exciting, surprising edge to Sauli’s actions last night, an edge he’s never seen before, but one he would like to see more often.

All at once, the confusion of the situation is too much. Adam sinks to his knees, head buried in his hands, as his thoughts simply shut down. He doesn’t know how long he sits there. His knees are cold and stiff by the time he realizes where he is, so he thinks it must have been more than just a few minutes.

Grabbing the edge of the sink for support, he pulls himself up. He can’t look in the mirror again, can’t look at those marks he can’t explain. Instead, he steps into the shower, pulling the curtain shut against everything and turning the water to the hottest setting he can stand. The water doesn’t help him feel any cleaner, though. All it does is point tiny accusing fingers at him with every new ache, every sing from irritated skin that comes through.

Every time he closes his eyes the images start again, only this time he can hear Sauli’s voice uttering words of praise. He vaguely remembers hands running up and down his body, wringing reactions from him. He still can’t tell if he’s remembering a dream or something that couldn’t happen but did. Suddenly the water pouring down from the shower is too much of a distraction. He can’t think; he can’t concentrate. Grabbing a towel from the neatly folded stack, he wraps it around his waist and makes his way back to the bed. He has every intention of stretching out in comfort, hoping that relaxing will help him sort through what happened and what didn’t.

But what he feels as he gets closer to the big bed keeps him from actually touching it. There’s something that he doesn’t understand about last night, and this bed has a lot to do with it. He stands there, a hairsbreadth away from the edge of the comforter, watching the ghosts of last night play over the bed’s surface, and it’s too hard, to puzzling for him.

The whole thing is too much for him to deal with on his own, so he does the only thing he can think of doing. He picks up his phone, closes his eyes, and presses the one button that might connect him with reality.

He bites his lip hard enough to pull the coppery taste of blood from the tender flesh as he waits for an answer. The wavering rings seem to go on forever before he hears Sauli answer. Adam almost ends the call before it even has a chance to begin. The sound of Sauli’s voice starts the images flashing faster than he can keep up with. He feels his chest tighten as he hears Sauli asking if he’s there, if everything’s okay.

Pushing aside his growing anxiety, Adam says the one word he can force past his constricting vocal chords, “Sauli...” He can’t go any further. He knows he’s worrying Sauli, but he has no more words and no strength to say anything even if he knew what to say. Suddenly, not being able to tell reality from his dreams feels suffocating. It’s weighing him down and stealing his breath. His chest constricts with the pain of heartbreak as he finally starts putting the pieces of last night into place. He feels the tears sliding down his face as he manages a quiet, “Please, Sauli, I need you here.”

Adam’s grateful that there are no whys or whats to be answered. There’s only Sauli saying, “I’ll be there,” and, “I love you, Adam,” before the line goes dead. Adam’s glad that Sauli’s visiting his family, since the travel time will be less than it would be from LA, but his mind can’t work out how long it might take for Sauli to get there. Sauli knows where he’s staying, though, knows what room he’s in and how to find him. He just has to be patient and wait.

He moves the room’s armchair over to the window. He can’t stand to look at the bed, much less sit on it. He tries to occupy his mind with watching the people below going about their business, but he keeps thinking about what happened. Sauli _wasn't_ there. The marks on his body are undeniable proof that something happened. Adam tries to force his mind to see just what he did and with whom, but it’s no use. All he sees is Sauli doing things to him, and even thinking about it is making him hard.

He feels tears of shame threatening to spill, and suddenly he wishes he hadn’t called Sauli. What can he say when Sauli gets here that would make it any better, that would make any of it right? How can he tell his boyfriend that he thinks he had sex with someone else? How can he make Sauli understand why he liked it, and apparently still likes it enough to be excited about it? He can’t even understand how the fuck he liked it.

When he can’t stand sitting any longer, he starts pacing the room. There’s only so far he can walk, though, and he doesn’t even realize he’s walking the same path over and over, taking breaths at the same points, touching the same things as he passes them. He keeps berating himself over not only ending up with someone he doesn’t even remember last night, but calling Sauli, the one that’s been betrayed in this whole thing, to come help him pick up the pieces.

He has no idea how long he’s spent walking the perimeter of his room and his mind, but it’s past dark when exhaustion hits him. He can’t sleep in the bed; that bed holds too many secrets he’s not ready for, so he curls up in a ball in the corner, trying to protect whatever’s left of himself from himself.

He lies there, maybe thinking, possibly dreaming, pulling as many memories as he can from the night before. There are still huge gaps in the timeline and sequencing when he hears a soft knock at his door. He hasn’t touched his phone except when he called Sauli and when he sent a text to his management telling them that he didn’t want to be disturbed and to cancel all his meetings for the remainder of the trip. He thinks whoever’s at the door is either someone coming to check up on him or housekeeping coming to make up the room, and he doesn’t want to face either of them right now. If Lane were still around, he might be able to talk to her about some of this, but these new people are strangers, and he can’t.

He tries his best to ignore whoever it is, but the knocking doesn’t go away. It doesn’t grow any more insistent, either. It stays soft but firm, and Adam knows that whoever it is isn’t planning on being disregarded. Forcing himself to stand with muscles that are lethargic, he shuffles to the door. He thinks he probably should check the peephole to see who it is, but it wouldn’t make much difference at this point. Instead, he pulls the door open and almost loses his fucking shit right then and there.

Standing there, looking worried and concerned, is Sauli, and Adam can’t help pulling him into an embrace. They stand there in the doorway forever, it seems. Adam can’t make himself let go. Having a safe, warm body to hold onto feels too good, too safe. Adam wants to hold on as long as he can, because he’s afraid he won’t get the chance to once Sauli hears what he has to tell him. And there’s no fucking way Adam could live with himself without telling Sauli about it.

Sauli pulls back far enough to look at Adam’s face, really look at it, studying each line and crease, and Adam feels as if he’s laid bare and all his secrets already exposed. His head falls to Sauli’s shoulder, trying to hide what he’s not ready for Sauli to see, and he can’t hold back the tears any longer.

Sauli places one hand on each side of Adam’s face and gently tips it back up before saying, “What is it, Adam? What’s happened? Are you all right?” There’s such a look of genuine concern in Sauli’s eyes that knowing that he has to tell him what happened breaks Adam’s heart.

“Yeah,” Adam answers without conviction. “Maybe. Fuck, I don’t even know.” He can’t stand to see that look in Sauli’s eyes anymore -- that look that’s asking Adam what he can do to make it better -- so he turns around and walks back to the window, staring out at the streets of London but not seeing anything. “Something happened, something...Shit, I don’t even know where to start.”

Adam’s holding the edges of the window frame, holding it so tightly it makes his fingers ache, but he can’t let go. If he loosens his grip, he’s afraid he’ll disappear into the confusion of his mind. He feels hands on his shoulders, and he can’t help the tensing of his muscles, but Sauli doesn’t let go.

Instead, Adam hears Sauli talking right next to his ear, feels his warm breath as Sauli says, “Perhaps it would be good to start at the beginning.” The voice in his ear, the voice he remembers telling him things - wonderful, dirty things - brings such a rush of emotions all at once to Adam. He wants to run away, but he’s aroused at the same time as his mind goes back to hearing that voice worship every fucking thing about him as it took him apart.

“Oh god, Sauli. I thought it was you. I swear I thought it was you," Adam blurts out. There's no taking it back now. He can see the confusion in Sauli's eyes and the hurt, too. This is the last thing he wanted to do. He's not exactly sure what his plan was when he called Sauli, asking him to come here, but it wasn't to hurt the man that he thinks might be _the_ man in his life.

“I don’t think that is the beginning, Adam,” Sauli says, taking Adam's hand and leading him towards the bed to sit. Adam still can't stand the idea of even touching that bed; the memories it holds are something he hasn't been able to come to grips with yet. Instead, Adam guides them to the chair by the window, the one he spent so much time in, trying to remember what happened.

Sitting down, Adam pulls Sauli into his lap, holding him close as if it might be the last time he can do this. Adam knows full well that it may just be the last time Sauli wants to be this close. There's no way Adam can see to explain what happened that would make it less hard for Sauli to forgive him. Adam doesn't know what he would feel if the situation were reversed. Seeing no way to approach it except going straight at it, Adam tells Sauli what he can remember of the encounter with the stranger who's name he can't even remember hearing.

He starts in where the first phone call to Sauli ended. He tells his boyfriend about wandering the streets, seeing the pub, Charlie the bartender, everything he can remember. When things start getting fuzzy, he tells Sauli as much as he can. In telling someone else, Adam finds even more of the pieces coming into focus for him. He remembers wondering why his management would send a stranger to find him without calling him. He remembers eyes that he'd never seen before in a stranger's face. He tells Sauli about how fucking scared he can remember being, how he couldn't make himself do anything to fight the stranger off.

When he gets to the part where his body started reacting to the man, Adam knows there's no use in trying to soften his words. They're not pretty, and he's not proud of how he reacted in the situation. Drinking is drinking, and drunk is drunk, but there's no fucking way he's going to use it to try and excuse what he did. He thinks Sauli deserves more than that. Sauli deserves to know the whole ugly truth.

Adam can see how much that truth is hurting Sauli, though. The wounded, wondering look in Sauli's eyes is enough to stop his heart even if it's not enough to stop his words. It feels like a dam's burst now. Once the words start, they won't stop. They won't slow down either. He feels the rush and the push to get them all out. They're coming so fast that the words start tripping over each other in their desire to be heard. His breath is getting shorter and shorter, and the pictures in his mind are getting clearer and clearer until Sauli puts a finger over Adam's lips and tells him to be still for a minute.

"I've seen you when you have been drinking, Adam. You like to be touched; you like to touch others. But something seems off with this." Sauli looks at Adam with all the earnestness and openness that Adam loves so very, very much. "You need to gather yourself before you go further. I need to hear what you have to tell me, but if you don't calm yourself, we'll never get there."

Adam tries to take calming breaths, but the tightness in his chest makes it almost impossible. He thinks his heart may be breaking. He thinks that maybe looking out the window and not right at Sauli might help him get it together, but he needs to see what Sauli's feeling, what he's going through, so doing his best to keep his level of detachment high enough to make it through the rest of the telling, he tries to get to what he thinks might put an end to the relationship they've worked so hard to get to where it is.

Adam tells Sauli that he doesn't know how it happened or why it could possibly happen, but when the man kept telling him that he was Sauli, Adam started believing it. Not just believing it, though; he actually started seeing the stranger as Sauli and hearing what was said in Sauli's voice.

"I know it doesn't make a difference, doesn't make anything right, but the things he said, the things he did, they made me feel so good. They still make me feel good. I thought it was you making me feel that way, but now, knowing it wasn't you, I still want it. I want it so fucking much. I want it to be you telling me how perfect I am, touching me the way he did, making me feel like he did." Adam pulls Sauli tighter against him and the words ghost along Sauli's cheek. "I want to know you feel I'm worthy of that much."

Sauli pulls away and stands up. He walks over to the bed and stares at it, saying, “I don’t know how I am supposed to feel with all this, Adam, but telling me you want me to be more like some stranger you fucked does not help.”

“Dammit, Sauli, I’m not saying I want you to be like him. I’m not even sure what I _do_ want right now, but last night I wanted it to really be you saying and doing those things. I know I’m not saying it right, but my head’s still all fucked up.” Adam puts his hands on either side of his face as if the pressure will help him find the clarity he needs.

 

"How much did you drink last night, Adam?" Sauli asks, concern seeming to take over his thoughts. Worry is a much easier emotion for anyone to deal with than feelings of torment and rejection. He really doesn't appear to know how to react to the idea that Adam betrayed him; that the trust they had placed in each other had been broken.

"I don't know. Maybe four drinks, maybe five. I wasn't really counting," Adam answers, still not able to look directly at Sauli.

"You seem to be suffering more than usual for that amount of alcohol," Sauli says, causing Adam to think back on all the times they've been out drinking together. "Why is it so hard for you now?"

"Fuck if I know." Adam really doesn't know. It could be from drinking something he's not used to, but, more likely, he thinks, it’s from the guilt over what he'd done. He still can't accept that he'd had sex with a stranger and enjoyed it, but he has no choice in accepting it. His memories keep hitting him in waves, and he can't deny them. He'd liked what happened; he'd responded to it. He just hopes he won't ever have to tell Sauli just how much he'd enjoyed it.

Almost as if he can read Adam's mind, Sauli asks, "Did he bring you pleasure?"

Adam can't lie, not with something this important. Sauli would be able to see a lie, be able to feel it before it left his lips. "Yes," he mumbles, asking himself if telling the truth is important anymore, because the look on Sauli’s face is breaking his heart. Adam wants nothing more than to pull Sauli close, hold him in his arms and kiss away all the hurt he sees. What he doesn’t want is for Sauli to keep asking questions about last night, keep picking at what happened, bringing more hurt to both of them. “I don’t think I can talk about this with you anymore.”

“I think talking is what is important, though. Without talking, there can be no understanding. Without understanding, there can be no acceptance.” Sauli walks over to Adam and picks up his hand, holding it almost gently, stroking his thumb over it. “Without acceptance, there can be no us. I can’t live with having this unspoken and hiding between us.”

Adam reaches out and pulls Sauli back onto his lap. He lets his head fall against Sauli’s shoulder, soaking up the warmth and the scent of the man he’s come to love in such a short time. “I don’t want to keep things from you, but it’s so damn hard to talk about it, especially with you. I can’t stand thinking about how much this must be hurting you, about how much _I_ must be hurting you.”

“It hurts, yes, but it would have hurt so much more to find out you kept something from me. I think the fact that you called me, that you needed me to know the truth, is important in deciding if we can get past this thing that happened.”

“We’re gonna have trouble getting past _this thing that happened_ if you can’t even say it, baby.” Adam puts his hands on either side of Sauli’s face and leans in so their foreheads are touching. If there’s a chance - no matter how small - that they can work this out, he thinks Sauli is on the right track as far as not avoiding any part of what happened or why it happened, at least as much of it as Adam can remember.

“I fucked up. I cheated. I got drunk and had sex with a stranger.” Adam sees how much the words are hurting Sauli, but he can’t stop. He needs to get it all out, and he needs to know that Sauli can take it all. “I was so wasted, I thought it was you. I wanted to think it was you. When he told me he was you, I saw you, not him. I heard your voice, not his. When he told me how perfect I was, I needed so fucking much for it to be you telling me that.”

Sauli tries to break Adam’s hold, but there’s no way in hell that Adam’s going to let him go now. He’s so close to discovering something about himself. He can feel it just beyond his reach. He has to push a little further to get to it, though, and if they ever want to have a chance to get back to where they were, he has to drag Sauli along with him.

“He touched every part of me, inside and out. He loved every part of me. He took me apart on that bed and showed me how good I could be, how good I am. I’m not gonna lie to you, Sauli. I loved the way it made me feel.”

Adam can’t stop the rush of emotions that washes over him. He knows this is a make-or-break moment in their relationship, and as much as he loves Sauli and wants to keep what they have, he has to explore and expose this for his own sanity. He has to relive all the whats to get to the whys. He has to find out what made him feel this way, so open and exposed, but so accepting of what he found. He has to sort it all out, and the easiest way to do that is by explaining it to Sauli.

“He kissed me like this,” Adam says as his lips make ghosting contact with the skin of Sauli’s face, reverence showing in the gentle contact, “and told me how he loved how strong I was, because even though I hate the imperfections I see when I look at it, I’m strong enough to let the whole world see it and live through it.”

“He took control,” Adam told Sauli, holding his boyfriends wrists to demonstrate, “and told me how beautiful I was in trusting someone to love me.” Adam kissed his way down Sauli’s face and neck, only to make his way back to Sauli’s mouth, placing a small kiss on his lips. “Then he told me how much he loved to hear me beg, that my pride didn’t get in the way of asking for what I wanted, what I needed.”

Adam kisses Sauli wherever he can: slow, sensual kisses that leave them both breathless and panting. “And I did beg, Sauli. What he was doing to me...What he was giving me...I begged for more of it. I didn’t want it to ever end. I thought it was something I was sharing with you, but I still want it. I want this with you. I want you to help me find what he showed me, and I want to help you find it, too.”

Adam knows what he’s doing to Sauli is wrong. He knows he’s taking advantage of the physical attraction that’s so strong between them, but he can’t stop until he understands this or Sauli tells him to stop. Something is pushing him to go further and deeper, and he can’t fight it by himself. He feels wicked and dirty and used and using, but it’s still not enough to make him quit.

So far Adam’s been the one controlling the kisses and touches, but he starts picking up little signs of Sauli taking over, and it ignites something in him. Sauli pushes in harder, both with his body and his lips, and Adam feels himself going bonelessly pliant against Sauli’s force.

Sauli's hands come up and push Adam back against the chair as he asks, "Is this what you want from me, Adam? Do you want me to take what I want from you, or do you want me to force you to give it to me?" The kiss Sauli presses on Adam is hard and intense, and Adam feels his body responding, but it's not right. It's not what he needs, or not _all_ that he needs.

Adam feel like he’s changing Sauli, pushing him into being someone he’s not, and that’s definitely not what he wants to do. He wants his Sauli, but he wants the Sauli he remembers from last night, too.

He feels Sauli take a deep, shuddering breath before he pulls back far enough to look at Adam. “I don’t think I can be this person you need, Adam,” Sauli tell him, and Adam can see the tears standing in Sauli’s eyes. “I loved you before this happened, and I think I love you still, but I cannot change who I am.”

Adam pulls Sauli into a gentler hug, whispering against Sauli’s hair, “I don’t want you to change who you are, baby. I never want you to change who you are.”

“Then I don’t understand. If this stranger gave you something that you need, and he was not me, how can I give you the same feeling and still be myself?”

Nuzzling against Sauli’s ear, Adam says, "I know it's fucked up, baby, but it _was_ you last night. In my mind it was you. I never would have reacted the way I did if I didn't absolutely believe it was you.” Adam runs his hand through his hair, buying a second to try and get his thoughts in some kind of order before he continues. “I was afraid at first, so fucking scared, and all I wanted was for you to be there, because you would make everything okay. But then he kept telling me he was you, and I believed it because I saw you and heard you and felt you.”

Adam cups Sauli’s cheek in the palm of his hand, tears glistening in his eyes and threatening to spill. “When it was you there, everything was perfect.” Adam’s lips ghost across Sauli’s cheekbones, the bridge of his nose, the tender skin of his eyelid. “When it was you, I felt safe and loved.”

Adam can see emotions playing across Sauli’s face. There’s anger and hurt and confusion, but there’s love and desire and concern, too. He hates what he thinks he’s doing to Sauli, what he _knows_ he doing, but he has to find a way to make it clear to Sauli as well as to himself. He still can’t get through the black holes in his memory. He can’t see how he came to think that the strange man was Sauli, but he knows with all of his heart that he believed it was.

“When it was you there, I could let go and trust, because I knew you loved me enough to not let me get hurt. I could give up control because I knew you wouldn’t hurt me if I gave it to you. I could relax, let my guard down, let you strip away all the fucking layers - however you want to say it.”

Adam feels as if he’s finally getting close to what he needs to say, what he needs to know. “Baby, listen to me,” he says, making sure that Sauli’s focused on what he’s saying. “I don’t know how things got so fucked up in my head. I don’t know why I thought it was you, but I did, and that’s what was so exciting about it. In my head, you took me apart and loved everything about me - the good things and the bad - and it was such a fucking turn on to trust you to do that. I could be vulnerable for you. I could let you show me things about myself that I never knew before. Please tell me that I didn’t fuck up any chance of really having that with you.”

 

Adam knows he’s put it all on the line. He’s opened up to Sauli and left everything up to him. Everything they’ve built together so far depends on Sauli’s answer, and Adam really doesn’t know what to expect. He knows what he hopes for, what he wants and needs, but he wouldn’t blame Sauli if he decides to walk out and never come back.

"Love may not be blind, but it has given me a high tolerance for looking past fucking things up, Adam,” Sauli tells him, holding on tightly. “Some things are worth fighting for and I think we are one of them.” Sauli stands and takes Adam’s hand, pulling him up and towards the bed. With one swift movement, he pulls the bedding off the mattress before he pushes Adam to sit down. It’s not a push of anger though, and Adam feels relief at realizing this. It’s more of a gentle insinuation, a suggestion, but one that he thinks he would need a damn good reason to refuse.

Sitting next to him, Sauli says, “There is something here,” as he places his hand on Adam’s chest, “that is worth fighting for, I think. There is also something here,” and he kisses Adam’s forehead before continuing, “that I need to explore, and I think we will do that now.”

Sauli slides his hands up under Adam's shirt and starts to push it upward. When Adam reaches down to either stop him or help him - he's not sure which he's planning on doing - Sauli stops him by taking hold of his hands and saying, "I will do this in my own way and my own time. You trusted the me that you made up in your mind to do this; now you must trust the real me."

Adam's heart races at the words, flashes of half remembered touches mixing and merging with the feeling of Sauli's hands on his skin. His breathing quickens and for a second he wants to push away, but he fights the urge because it is Sauli he sees and feels and knows beyond any shadow his mind throws at him. This is real in a way last night wasn't. There's more here. There's an emotional connection that he's never felt with anyone else, and it's enough to help him settle his nerves and trust.

Sauli pops the button on Adam’s jeans, and Adam can’t help tensing up a little; he just hopes Sauli doesn’t notice. Whatever the hell that happened last night really fucked up his mind, because he wants this. More than anything he wants this with Sauli, with the _real_ Sauli.

But Sauli does seem to realize something’s wrong as he pulls the last of Adam’s clothes down and off. That look of concerned confusion is back on his face as he takes Adam’s hand and pulls him up and off the bed. He leads the way to the bathroom, shedding his own clothes on the way. “I have no idea what went on last night, but I think it’s best to try and wash it from your mind and body.”

Something in Adam relaxes more than he thought it possibly could. He gives in and lets Sauli adjust the temperature of the water before letting himself be positioned under the spray. Sauli’s here and taking care of him, something he wasn’t completely aware of needing. This is what he wanted to get to before and couldn’t. This is the dark spot that he won’t let himself see clearly. He needs Sauli to make this better.

He stands, lost in his own mind, as Sauli lathers a cloth and runs it over his body, making sure to cover every inch. Having Sauli do this for him makes him feel clean in a way that he didn’t before. Adam doesn’t notice when the tears start, but Sauli does, and his own mix with Adam’s as they’re washed down the drain. Each part that of him that Sauli cleans is then kissed, and Adam feels as if he’s reclaiming his own body, as if _they’re_ reclaiming his body. This is what he craves, and Sauli seems to know that instinctively. He can let the burdens go, let the guilt go, let the worry go, all because somehow Sauli believes him, believes in him and in their love, new tho it may be. They’ve known each other for a little over six months, but this is where Adam feels safe, and feeling safe, he can let his mind open, and he sees all of it finally.

He can break then, and he does, knowing that Sauli’s there to hold him while he does. They stand there under the spray, the water symbolically washing away all the bad things that had happened, until the stream runs cold, and Adam starts shivering.

Sauli helps him out of the shower, supporting him with a strength that somehow doesn’t surprise Adam and starts drying them both off as Adam continues to remember and shiver. He stands perfectly still, letting Sauli take care of him, feeling safe for the first time in days, and it occurs to him that perhaps this is what love really is. Maybe this is what he found so exciting but not quite complete before when Sauli was there with him in his mind but not actually there. Maybe this is why he was so open to believing it was Sauli.

He lets Sauli wrap him in one of the soft robes that hang on the bathroom door and lead him back to the bedroom. He’s surprised to see that while they were in the shower the bed’s been made. Adam doesn’t remember Sauli calling for housekeeping, but the feeling of fresh, crisp linen against whatever skin isn’t covered by the robe feels so right when Sauli pulls the covers back and helps him into bed. It’s one more small way of reclaiming what was taken from him.

Sauli lies down next to him and pulls Adam close. Adam lets his head rest on Sauli’s chest, enjoying the warmth and cocooning protection he feels. He lets himself drift, confident that Sauli will tether him. He can relax and know that not only will Sauli take care of him for a little while, but he’ll keep the bad things away long enough for Adam to sort out what happened.

He feels small somehow, small and fragile and delicate and cherished in Sauli’s arms, and it feels right and good to feel this way. He can let go and not worry about anything, because this is his safe place. This is his happy place. He’s found a home for his heart and it’s name is Sauli.

 

♦ ♥ ♦

  


Epilogue

Six Months Later

 

Tomorrow’s their anniversary. It’s been a year since they met, six months since things almost fell apart. He’s back in London, by himself, more nervous than his upcoming performance can account for. He wishes Sauli could have come with him, wishes harder than he wants to admit, but things don’t always work out the way people want them to. Sometimes they work out the way they’re supposed to, though.

When he finishes with the EMA’s and promo he’s going to make time to go back and see the pub where it all started. Hell, maybe he’ll even go in and see if Charlie’s working. He and Sauli had talked about it, about how it would probably help him in being able to put the whole thing behind him - in the past, where it belongs.

They had talked briefly about trying to find and press charges against whoever the strange man was, but without a name or even a description - Adam still sees more of Sauli’s face when he thinks about that night - there’s not much chance of ever finding out who it was. The biggest factor in deciding not to pursue any criminal investigation was that Adam had absolutely no proof that it wasn’t completely consensual. No matter what he believed, what he knew in his heart, he’d never be able to prove that he hadn’t simply gotten drunk and decided having sex with a stranger was something he wanted to do.

When he thinks back to that time, to his last visit to this city, what he remembers most is the closeness he and Sauli discovered. They'd talked, they'd cried, they'd accused and accepted. But most of all they'd grown. They'd learned to accept each other in a way they hadn't had cause to before.

There'd been bumps along the road; there were with any relationship, but they'd found that after being able to work through what had happened that night, they could work through just about anything.

Adam had been able to admit that the small, insecure part of him wasn't gone. It still lived somewhere inside, and he needed periodic reassurance that he was still good enough in spite of it. Or maybe because of it; it was a part of him that made him what he was, just like his voice was a part of him.

He learned to trust Sauli to sometimes be the strong one, the one to help lift him up and carry him when he needed it, and Sauli had learned to look for the signs of Adam's needs.

That had been the hardest thing Adam'd had to accept: that he couldn't always be the strong one, the one in charge. That night had pointed out how much he needed to be taken care of sometimes - cherished and maybe even adored. He needed to know that the most important person in his life was willing to do that for him.

Once they'd been able to talk things out and get to that point of understanding, Sauli had spent the rest of their time together in London learning and understanding this new side of Adam. He'd been a little unsure of his role at first, but when he'd quit thinking and started reacting, Sauli had proven how quickly he could acclimate.

Sauli had seemed to somehow realized that Adam had been left in a fucked up parody of downspace; even more confusing because of the gaps and inconsistencies in his memory. He'd taken control and tried to bring Adam back with gentle words and touches, but each touch, each word of encouragement he gave Adam pushed him further into a submissive role.  
When Sauli had held Adam in his arms, Adam had felt himself melting - melting into himself, melting into a place that felt safe and protected, melting into Sauli, maybe. He could feel Sauli there, ready to take care of him, and he'd needed that so fucking badly.

He'd gone practically boneless, and when Sauli had turned him over and started rubbing his back, Adam had sunk into the softness of the mattress and given up all cares and worries. Sauli's hands felt strong, but right. They didn't have the too big wrongness that the hands of the stranger had. Sauli's hands already knew where Adam's body was the most sensitive, and they went there with quick determination.

When Sauli's hands had found the knots in the muscles of Adam's shoulders that still held all the tension of knowing and not knowing what had happened, Sauli had told him to let what was troubling him go, and Adam had done it. Adam had been surprised at how easily he'd been able to follow Sauli's instruction, but the warmth and the contact of the moment had shown him just how much he needed this. He needed to be allowed to give up his guilt, to give up his anxiety over what had happened. He needed to know that he was still good enough for this relationship to work, and Sauli was showing him that.

Sauli showed him how worthy he was in the willingness he had to touch Adam, to touch those places that Adam needed touched. Sauli showed him by not backing away from showing he still desired Adam. Sauli's hands, and then his tongue, worked their way down the line of Adam's spine, tracing the line of each rib that crossed it, paying attention to each inch of skin, until they found their way to the small of Adam's back.

Adam was beyond words, lost in the intensity of those hands. The only noises coming from him were the sub-volcalizations of his desire: the moans and whimpers of someone in an elemental emotional state.

As he slipped further, Adam could feel Sauli growing more confident in his role. Sauli rose to new levels of strength, and his inherent aptitude in guiding Adam through the layers of his mind was clearly shining through. They both discovered a side of themselves that they hadn't known existed.

Sauli took responsibility for Adam's body and pleasure. He ran his hands over the curve of Adam's ass while telling Adam over and over how beautiful it was. Sauli admitted his desire to possess Adam completely as he leaned down to punctuate each word with a rough kiss, each one growing progressively more possessive.

Sauli traced the path between Adam's cheeks with his tongue, long slow licks that ended at his hole before slowly pushing inside. Adam wanted to push back into that feeling, into the heat and wet and pure strength that was flicking in and out of him, but Sauli was controlling what was happening, and his hands held Adam firmly in place. Adam heard Sauli say, "I will do this for you. I will make you feel good," and Adam believed him completely.

Adam felt slick fingers working inside of him and moaned his pleasure to pillows beneath him. He felt Sauli working him open while he searched for that spot inside. Sauli's fingers scissored over his prostrate, and Adam couldn't control the involuntary buck of his hips. He felt Sauli's hand pressing him back down as he searched for the bundle of nerves again.

Sauli rubbed Adam's back, telling him over and over again that he knew Adam could be good and still while he teased the muscles open. Sauli spent so long making sure that Adam was ready for him that Adam wanted to scream or cry or pound the bed in frustration, except it all felt so good. He knew that Sauli would take care of him when the time came, and if there were a few stray tears trailing from the corners of his eyes, they were there more because of the absolute rightness of the moment than from frustration.

When Adam felt Sauli's fingers pulling out, he couldn't stop the keening wail that flowed from him. In the few short seconds that it took Sauli to position his cock to enter him, Adam did morn the loss of contact.

But when he felt the head of Sauli's dick sliding past the ring of muscles, Adam was lost in the exquisite pleasure-pain of the moment. Sauli didn't back off, didn't wait for Adam to give him the okay to push further and deeper inside. Instead, Sauli kept an even pace, an even pressure, telling Adam the whole time that he could do it, he could take it, while he kept pushing until they were fitted together totally, skin to skin, body to body.

Sauli slowly rolled his hips, and Adam lost himself in the feeling of being filled by someone who knew how much he could take without pushing him past that point. Sauli let him relish the small movements until the desire for more became too much to endure. When Adam found enough of his voice to whisper, "Please." Sauli started moving in earnest. He lifted Adam's hips with one hand, while the other moved to find Adam's cock. Sauli's hand was sure and firm as it stripped up and down Adam's dick, twisting slightly as it neared the head. Sauli let his thumb slide over the slit, gathering the leaking pre-come to help ease the friction.

Sauli's hand moved in time to his thrusts, the constant push-pull sending Adam to the brink or orgasm quicker than he thought possible. Sauli had other ideas, though, changing the rhythm and force enough to keep Adam walking the edge. When Adam felt his thighs starting to shake and tremble with pure need, Sauli seemed to know he'd hit his limit. The quietness of the words, "Now, Adam," took nothing away from the authority behind them. Adam felt himself letting go in an explosion of mirrored fragments, each holding a reflection of some part of him, as he came on the mattress and his chest and Sauli's hand.

He could feel Sauli still holding him, pushing into him again and again, looking for his own completion. Adam felt the stutter in Sauli's rhythm that marked his orgasm. He floated through his post-coital fog as Sauli came inside him with one last thrust, trying to go deeper than he had before, knowing that Sauli would take care of him.

As Adam's mind wandered aimlessly, not able to focus on the whys and wheres of his existence, Sauli gathered him tightly in his arms and spent as long as it took whispering soothing nonsense sounds in Adam's ears while gentle touches gradually brought Adam's mind back into focus.

When Adam's eyes were able to distinguish the shape and structure of Sauli's face, when he was able to look into Sauli's eyes and know the emotion he saw there, Sauli said, "I will always be here to take care of you."

♦ ♥ ♦

Sauli had lived up to those words. Whenever Adam needed him to be the strong one, Sauli had stepped up to the role without hesitation. When they were in public, Sauli had an instinctive way of letting everyone know that Adam's heart was in his care. When Adam felt the need to be small and quiet, when the pressure and the insecurities started to grow too big for him, Sauli took care of him.

Smiling to himself, Adam thinks about the anniversary gift that's probably being delivered to Sauli right then. Adam can imagine the smile lighting up Sauli's eyes as he goes through the various goodies. It's a small token of what his feelings are for Sauli, but they can explore the rest when he gets home.


End file.
